Just got back from the city. Things are getting tense. The Boss keeps talking about dying; how that’s how he’s going to save the world. Good grief!
While we were out today, one of the leaders came up to me. He took me aside, because he didn’t want to be seen with me or the others. I thought he wanted to discuss our deal, but instead he told me how much he admired The Boss. Can you beat that?
I didn’t know how to take him at first, so I played dumb. I asked him why. So he says, “This man has got to be the one we’ve been waiting for. Many of us think so. Everything he does, everything he says…no ordinary man could do or say these things!”
So I said, “Then why haven’t I seen you around?”
And he says, “What? And risk getting thrown out of the leadership? No, I’m not prepared to go that far.” Then he hurries away.
Coward. I wonder how many of them are secretly behind The Boss but won’t come out and say so?
You know, there was a time—not too long ago either—when we had crowds of thousands following us everywhere. You couldn’t get away from them. Now, since The Boss started talking about being God and eating his flesh and drinking his blood, and all that stuff, they’ve started drifting away. There’s still plenty of poor people, sick people, hopeless losers hanging around, but you can’t build a revolution with that lot. Still, something’s happening. Something’s coming to a head, I just don’t know what.
Every night after dinner, The Boss likes to go sit in this garden just outside the city to think. He always drags us with him. So last night as usual, we go out to the garden. I’m sitting there—freezing—with the rest of the guys, and we’re talking quietly. I mostly just listened. I looked at each of them in turn. They looked like little kids telling each other fairy tales. Then it hit me: I have no idea who these men are. I’ve been with them now for going on three years, and it just occurred to me that I have no idea who they are…or what the hell they’re talking about. It’s as if we were just a bunch of strangers in the marketplace.
But then, I never really felt like I belonged. I was always on the fringe. None of these bastards really liked me or ever gave a damn what I thought. And The Boss…he always looked at me funny. Kind of a mixture of exasperation and pity. Always unnerved me somehow, like he was reading my mind, or looking right through me at somebody else. I could never get close to him. I never felt like I was welcome somehow.
Oh, I admit that when I first joined this organization it was different. I was taken in like the rest of ‘em. I mean, I’ve seen some pretty amazing things; things I can’t explain. I thought The Boss was truly special. But where has it gotten us? Our nation is still oppressed. We’re second-class citizens in our own country. We’ve got no more to eat than before. Our wallets are just as thin as before. What was this “new era” supposed to be about? A kingdom of Heaven?
Yeah. Right. I think I’ve made the correct decision. It’s time for me to go.
Speaking of which, I had a chance to meet with C today—you know, the head of the leaders?—anyway, we ironed out all the details. I’ll do it after supper tomorrow. I can’t wait to be free of all this.
