[Scene: Dingy office, rows of desks. Two cats run in from offstage wet from rain, hop up on two of the desks and begin to groom. Business Cat is sitting on a stool in front of a blackboard.]
Business Cat –
Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…bitching about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch that doesn’t want to buy, some dog that doesn’t want what you’re selling, some mouse you’re trying to catch and so forth. Let’s talk about something important.
[Aside to Manager Cat] Are they all here?
Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important! Put that milk down!! Milk’s for closers only. Do you think I’m meowing with you? I am not meowing with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from Fluffy and Mittens. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Snowball? You call yourself a salescat, you son of a Maine coon?
Tom –
We don’t gotta sit here and take this…
Business Cat –
You certainly don’t gotta take it pal. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting today. Starting with today’s sit-and-stay. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a LuxePet Cat Condo. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize’s a ball of string. Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got leads. Fluffy and Mittens forked over a lot of nip. Get their names to sell them! You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close scat, you ARE scat, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out!!!
Snowball –
The leads are weak.
Business Cat –
‘The leads are weak.’ The leads are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business seven years.
Snowball –
What’s your name?
Business Cat –
Read the collar, that’s my name!! You know why, tabby? ‘Cause you got here on your own four paws tonight, I came in a mink lined pet carrier. That’s my name!! And your name is “you’re wanting.” And you can’t play in a cat’s game. You can’t close them. And you go home and tell your owner your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to sign on the line which is dotted! You hear me, you miserable human lovers?
[Business cat points to blackboard with laser pointer. All eyes focus on the red dot.]
Business Cat –
A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-closing. Always be closing! Always be closing!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention—do I have your attention? Interest—are you interested? I know you are because it’s purr or walk. You close or you hit the scratching post! Decision—have you made your decision for Ceiling Cat?!! And action. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the prospects comin’ in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Dog doesn’t do walkies unless he needs to pee. Sitting out there waiting to give you a lick! Are you gonna take it? Are you cat enough to take it? What’s the problem pal? You. Tom.
Tom –
You’re such a hero, you’re so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
Business Cat –
You see this collar? You see this collar? That collar cost more than your litter box. I made eleventy millon last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice cat? I don’t give a hairball. Good pet? Go home and play with your catnip mouse!! You wanna work here? Close!! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you dog lover? You can’t take this—how can you take the abuse you get on a sit-and-stay?! You don’t like it—leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifty bazillionty! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get mad! You pussies! Get mad!! You know what it takes to sell invisible fences?
It takes brass whiskers to sell invisible fences.
Go and do likewise, cats. The nip’s out there, you pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t—I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on this sit-and-stay today and close, close, it’s yours. If not you’re going to be cleaning my litter box. Bunch of losers sitting around at the groomer. “Oh yeah, I used to be a salescat, it’s a tough racket.” These are the new leads. These are the Glensocks leads. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for closers. I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Fluffy and Mittens asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and neuter your furry butt because a loser is a loser.
