Bad News!

No, the Dacia Sandero is still not for sale in the U.S., but that’s not the bad news I meant…

Turns out, I’m dead.

I had a cold recently, but it sure seemed like I was getting better.

Huh. Go figure.

[The following is original with no comedy edits, as this is one of the more HI-larious 419 scam letters I’ve ever received!]

ATTN: Fund Beneficiary!

This is the second time we are notifying you about this said
Compensation fund $35.6 Million.  I,am Mr Edward Bernard ,From Committee International Monetary Fund Office Benin Republic, I,m sorry to inform this, if it’s not true,

I received an e-mail from two White men Mr,Robert Fagans, and Mr Alan Mills, who stormed my office FEW DAYS AGO, with the Black Gentleman, they called me with below: Telephone number,2669623100/2993740249, telling me that you are dead and he also mentioned that I should send him your fund value to his home address; 1011 s 7th ST. Watertown, WI 53094 UK, because he is your next of kin beneficiary to you, and he also told me that you instructed him to claim all your properties including your funds value ($35.6 Million) US Dollars. because you are no more to be found on this earth again, and the depositor Mr.Paul Williams confirm it.

I am very sorry to hear this sad news and I,don’t know if this are the reason why,you are not answer all the email I,have always sent to you regard your transfer value  ($35.6 Million) US Dollars.

Meanwhile, I,will promise you,both DEAD OR LIVE,that I am going to do everything within my power to make sure that your fund value ($35.6 Million) US Dollars get to him as your next of kin beneficiary, may your gentle soul rest in perfect peace and may Good God grate your internal life on the last day to come, I ‘m very sorry .

He also promise /ready to pay the total cost of the $68 today,to finalized the fund transfer within 24 hours. But I,told him to hold on and let me verify,if this true or not, as I,am so confused now about this claims’ However If you are ALIVE,you are advice to send the $68 today and also send your address to enable me process on your fund transfer.

Meanwhile, If you are still alive better processed to the Western Union Or Money Gram and make the payment for the Processing of your Claims so that your transfer can take place immediately. Are you alive or dead Awaiting for the payment immediately if you are Alive and not Dead

Receiver Name—— EMMA EGO
Country———-Benin Republic
Test Question—— In God
Test Answer——–We Trust
Amount to send is…. $68 usd

After sending the fee you are required to forward us the following information.

senders Name:——–
Test Question:—-
Sender Phone Number:—
senders Country And City:——–

These are the funeral pictures he submitted to me as the finally ceremony of your burial and also dead   Thanks as your silent will clear indicate that you are dead,and I,will try all my best to and help Mr. Robert Feggans,to receive the fund value ($35.6 Million) US
Dollars.  .

Yours in service,
Mr Edward Bernard   

Still, it was kind of him to contact me in the hereafter to settle my rather sizable and hitherto unknown estate, doncha think?

Exclusive Christmas Interview

Dear Readers and reading deer,

(thanks Jonah G.)

In keeping with the season, today I have a special treat for you!

I managed to score one of the hardest “gets” in the holiday blab-circuit pantheon. Someone who is notoriously shy and reticent, someone who almost never consents to interviews, yes, you guessed it, please welcome Santa’s starting left-rear reindeer, Donner!

Continue reading “Exclusive Christmas Interview”

Grayby Boomer

geezerThe AARP cards are coming fast and furious now that I’m just a gray whisker shy of 55 years old. Being at the tail-end of the Baby Boomers, I must share in the responsibility for the ills that this generation has wrought on the world. No doubt, we’ll have a lot to answer for in the hereafter.

Now that we’re getting older, the world is facing a growing population of “Grayby Boomers” that refuses to die on schedule, thus leaving succeeding generations—I’m looking at you millennials, Gen X’ers, and Y’ers—to care for us when we’re all dribbling in nursing homes. So get off your butts and get a job!

Technology seems like something all the cool kids are doing. Pays well too! I should know, I used to do it. And not so long ago that I had to program with a wrench, thank you very much. But please, should you choose to get a job in technology, remember that what is “innovative” to you is probably a bloody nuisance to your elders.

Just because you can make your car talk to your refrigerator to let it know when you’re close to home so it can tell the microwave to cook dinner, doesn’t mean you should. Ever.

And for the love of Mike, will you please get over your fascination with touch-sensitive controls for everything! “What’s wrong with a switch, boy? You don’t need to go leaping straight for the haptic feedback like a bull at the gate!” [If you don’t get the Monty Python reference, then I really am old. Arrrgh!]

Feeble old buzzards like me, prefer things we can wrap our arthritic fingers around. We derive an almost unnatural joy and sensual pleasure from the feel of a good *click!* And while I may not be able to see the damn switch, I can at least feel the blasted thing! [Where did I put my glasses anyway?]

Yes, our generation will have to answer for our many sins: Vietnam, global warming, Disco, the Ford Pinto, Three’s Company. If you believe in karmic retribution, a la Homer Simpson being force-fed an infinite supply of donuts by his own personal demon, then one shudders to consider what we’re in for. So remember, it can happen to you too. Be wise and tread carefully.

I mean, I sure wouldn’t want to spend an eternity in hell, with my own personal air conditioner that can only be operated by a cellphone app using itty-bitty, closely-spaced, touch-sensitive, virtual buttons, labeled in a microscopic font, and requires a password 15 characters long with two caps, three numerals and a special character!!!!!! Would you?

Oh, and would you mind getting off my lawn? Thanks.

Election Special

Warm rocks and crickets for all!
Warm rocks and crickets for all!

Welp, here we go: the home stretch.

I’ve avoided politics here, and for good reason, but this year’s presidential election is unprecedented in its crapulence. Therefore, let me leave you with this bit of insightful political analysis by one of my favorite authors, the late Douglas Adams.

In So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish, a giant robot lands on earth and asks to be taken “to your lizard.” When Arthur Dent questions his friend Ford Prefect about this strange request, Ford explains that the robot comes from an ancient democracy.

“You mean it comes from a world of lizards?”

“No, nothing so simple. Nothing like so straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people.”

“Odd,” said Arthur, “I thought you said it was a democracy.”

“I did,” said Ford. “It is.”

“So,” said Arthur hoping he wasn’t sounding ridiculously obtuse, “why don’t the people get rid of the lizards?”

“It honestly doesn’t occur to them,” said Ford. “They’ve all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they’ve voted in more or less approximates to the government they want.”

“You mean they actually vote for the lizards?”

“Oh yes,” said Ford with a shrug. “of course.”

“But,” said Arthur, going for the big one again, “why?”

“Because if they didn’t vote for a lizard,” said Ford, “the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?”

Yep. That pretty much sums where we’re at.

In the words of John “Bluto” Blutarsky, “My advice to you, is to start drinking heavily.”

Tall Tale

honey badgerAuthor’s Note: Please excuse any typos in this post, I can inky only use six fingers.

So, there I was just the other day, sitting in my comfy chair re-reading War & Peace, looking for all the hidden Easter eggs—like ya do—when all of sudden, there came a loud crash from over my shoulder!

I sprang to my feet and spun around. There, not ten feet away, was an angry honey badger standing amidst shards of glass that had once been my window. He was clearly out for no good.

My first instinct was to run, but I knew that an enraged honey badger can outrun a cape buffalo over short distances. Being slightly heavier and marginally less fit than a cape buffalo, I decided to stand my ground.

Continue reading “Tall Tale”

Mice! Mice Everywhere!

Ooops! You're home early! Bye!
Ooops! You’re home early! Bye!

Eeek! A mouse! Where did you come from?

Um, outside?

How’d you get in?

Seriously? I’m a mouse. I’m small.

Are you alone?

Well, let’s just say I know a lot of mice. Somebody’s bound to talk.

So there’s more of you inside my house?

Boy, you catch on quick! I can see why you’re the top of the evolutionary ladder.

Ya little smart-as…

Look, I just noticed that this place was empty, it looked cozy and warm so I moved in. Can you blame me?

I suppose not. But did you have to use my new manuscript for nesting material?

What? You weren’t using it. What’s the problem?

Never mind.