No corner of American life is such a fertile field for the restless, little brains of consumer products marketeers to spin wildly out of control, than the kitchen. Thanks to them, we have Ginsu knives, Bread Buddies, egg peelers, crackers, and genies…Dr. Nick Riviera’s Juice Loosener, and on and on.
There’s a good reason why they sell these things in the middle of the night. Only the severe neurosis caused by sleep deprivation or insomnia can make a normal, rational human being buy this crap! Well, that and stupidity.
Now, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the kitchen junk drawer, comes this abomination…
What you see here is the 3-in-1 Banana Split Tool! With this handy-dandy labor-saver, you can remove the stem (1), peel the banana (2), and slice it (3) into neat little rounds perfect for your breakfast cereal! And all without getting the sticky, messy, nasty, icky, ca-ca, banananess on your dainty little fingers. What a great country we live in huh?
Will you try a little experiment with me? Please? It’s just a little one. Good.
Okay. Hold your hands in front of your face. Got that? Good. Now spread your fingers wide open. Perfect. Now look at your hands. See that?
They’re called HANDS because they are what God gave you to peel bananas! You can also use them to peel eggs, onions, and chickens. Well, maybe you don’t actually peel chickens, but dammit, hands are what puts us on top of the food chain! They come with thumbs pre-attached and everything. They’re flexible and strong, but also sensitive enough for very delicate maneuvers. Hands can play a piano, do brain surgery, pet a dog, or operate iPhones. You don’t need to spend $9.95 plus tax and shipping to peel a damn banana! Even if they do give you a second one free if you order now!
<hyperventilating>
Sorry. Sorry. I’m okay now.
Go eat your cereal. And if you have one, add a sliced banana. They’re a wonderful source of potassium and vitamin C you know.
