I admit it. I have a problem with food. Actually, it’s more of a love-hate relationship: I love to eat, and hate stopping. So over the course of time, I’ve gotten a little, uh, fluffy.
Oh, I exercise. There’s lots of stairs in my home, and then there’s yard work, oh, and taking the garbage to the end of the driveway on Fridays…and brushing my teeth—that’s great for developing your lats and upper core, or so I’m told.
[shifty-eyes] Ahem.
But hey, I’m not alone and that makes all of us fat and near-fat a thriving market. Where there’s a dollar to be made on other people’s misery, you can bet there’s an entrepreneur—probably some jerkass that does 10K runs on weekends when he’s not mountain climbing—ready to cash in, with some idiotic, overwrought and overpriced technology aimed at making the miserable less so. It’s soooo hi-tech, it’s gotta work, right?
Well, now there’s hope for the horizontally challenged: the HAPIfork. Get it? “Hapi.” Cute eh?
According to the inventors, most of us are heavy because we eat too fast. The brain takes a bit to realize you’re full. People who eat fast don’t give their brains a chance to catch up, thus they eat too much. The HAPIfork monitors your eating rate to help you slow the hell down, delivering the statistics to your iPhone or PC for analysis. Why, you could make a game of it! For instance, you could create bubble-gum trading cards with your stats on the back.
“I’ll trade you my rookie Orson Welles card for two of your Paula Deens and a Kim Jong Un.”
Look, I won’t argue with the physiology involved; this is proven fact. And sure, I fit the profile of “fast-eater.” I ate fast when I was a kid, and never unlearned the habit. I think because when I was young, a meal was just fuel, and it interrupted doing other stuff. I mean, what’s there to savor in an overdone pork chop? Sorry Mom.
But I swear on a stack of Beef ‘n Cheddars, that I will never, ever stoop to fork-training to lose weight. I’ll go back to walking first. I’ll cut down on…something, I’ll even [gulp] cut down on scotch, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna use a fork and spoon that narc on me when I eat and beep after they’ve done it!
I’ma start dis diet next week doe.
I am waiting for someone to invent a plate that calculates how many calories and grams of carbs and fat in the food you place on it.
I’m waiting for a plate that removes the calories before I eat it! 😉
I would buy stock in that company!