I Wuv Boo!

You ladies in the audience should turn the channel. I need to speak to the guys for a sec, m’kay?

Are they gone?

Okay.

Listen up all you emasculated nancy-boys who are right this very minute fretting over what to get your girl for Valentine’s Day:

You have been duped by the Flowers.com-Hallmark Industrial Complex into thinking that it’s somehow romantic to send a dozen roses with mylar balloons to your sweetie’s office for V-day.

You poor schmos!

A bunch of month old flowers and teddy-bears does not make up for 364 days of taking her for granted. Do you suppose she’s not also watching the “Dozen flowers in a chintzy vase for $19.99” ads that run 24×7 right now??

Do ya really think it’ll make her feel all warm and fuzzy on the 14th when she gets that schlocky abomination, only to know that all you did was take 52 seconds (I timed it) with your credit card to send it?

And don’t even get me started about that pajama-gram crap!

I’m sorry to have to speak to you this way, but you morons need to tighten your s__t up!

If God has blessed you with a wife, girlfriend, significant other, cocker spaniel, then treat them like the sun rises and sets on them…every damn day. It doesn’t have to be flowers and candy once a year—although once in a while, out of the blue, it’s a nice touch—but simple things like calling her to say hi, giving her control of the remote, going somewhere you hate just because she enjoys it…

You get the picture?

Men, women remember. They have lllllooooonnnngggg memories. Don’t screw it up by showing her how lame you really are, or you’ll be spending next Valentine’s Day filling out profiles on eHarmony!

Now put down that stuffed bunny and get back to work!