Journal – Friday April 18

What have I done?

They’ve gone and condemned him to death! I thought they’d just give him a stern talking to, maybe a fine and then kick him out of the city with a warning. But instead they’re going to kill him!

Kill him.

When I saw him come from the Governor’s mansion, he was a mess! They beat him to a bloody pulp! I immediately ran to C’s house to try and stop this, but he refused to see me. I made such a fuss that he finally agreed to let me in. The others were there too.

I told them what they’d done to The Boss. I told them I couldn’t take their money. I told them they didn’t hold up their end of the bargain! I never wanted to see him beaten. I didn’t want him to die! I just wanted him, I don’t know, out of the way. I just wanted to be free of him. I wanted him out of my head! But not like this!

They all just laughed at me, the smug bastards. C told me, “Do whatever the hell you want. It’s no concern of ours.”

Well, I threw the money in his face! I told them all to choke on it! Now I don’t know what to do…Oh God! They’re going to kill him!

They’ve led him away now for execution. The leaders planned all this, and I was their willing stooge. And I know one thing for sure: I’m the one who killed him. And now I can’t stop it.

What will I do? What will I do? What can I…

But what’s the point now? I can’t do anything. I also can’t live with this. There’s no way to erase it, there’s no absolution for this sin. Even if he could, The Boss’d never forgive me now.

I’m tired, so tired…

I saw a tree by the side of the road a ways back. It’s in an old field that no one tills anymore. Heh. How fitting! The Boss always liked to tell stories about vineyards, and growing things, and cutting off the deadwood.

I could have been something, you know? I was going to be rich. I was going to be powerful. Now I’d give all I have to see him smile at me again.

But that will never…can never be.