Another Triumph of Marketing over Common Sense

I’m not talking about Apple…yet.

Instead, I’d like to introduce you to Rob’s Integrated Razor Blade Theorem, which states:

Let (M) be m-dimensional consumer utility with impulse radius imp(M). Let vol denote the volume form on M and let  X denote the volume of the standard m-dimensional utility. Then

vol(M) =  X (imp(M))

                     B    ,

with equality, if and only if, (M) is isometric to the m-sphere S^m with its usual round metric.

Or, in layman’s terms, the more utilitarian an object, the fewer ways there are to get you to buy it. The classic illustration of this theorem—which, if I may digress for a moment to boast, is now taught in all the best business schools—is the eponymous example as presented in my scholarly paper to the Nobel Prize committee.

Razors are as utilitarian an object as can be imagined and that presents enormous difficulties to the scientists laboring away in the bowels of the Department for Advanced Marketing Studies at Ron Popeil State College, Pomona. How do you differentiate the razor? See, there’s only so much you can do by changing the color or adding gooey rubber bits to the handle. In the end, it’s just a damn razor.

Nevertheless, those intrepid marketeers at RPSC, Pomona worked late into the afternoons, foregoing countless rounds of golf, until one of them came up with a brilliant solution, “Why don’t we just ask some smart guy?”

After pursuing numerous dead-ends, I believe it was Niels Bohr who eventually solved this seemingly insoluble problem. During a coffee break on the Manhattan Project he asked, “Why not just add another blade?”

Eureka! This astonishing breakthrough introduced modern man to the wonder of razors with two, three, five, or even ten blades! “Just imagine how much more we can charge for these razors?” the marketeers shouted with glee. “What about replacement blades?? We’ll all be rich, rich, RICH!”

My Grandfather used a straight razor. My Dad used the old “safety-razor.” Out of necessity, I use one with two blades because that’s the smallest blade-multiple I can find, and I’m afraid of killing myself with a straight razor. Some people just avoid the whole sticky subject and use an electric razor (which has similarly vexing marketing problems). Nevertheless, so equipped, we have managed our facial hair relatively well for decades and decades.

Now, if you’ve made it this far, you are no doubt wondering why the hell I’m ranting about razors. Well, in my daily search for items to entertain all five of you readers, I came across this: The Jetbeam!

 

Bravo! The Department of Advanced Marketing Studies has done it again! A flashlight with a digital display to tell you if there’s enough juice to work the flashlight!

Um, I don’t mean to sound dim—Heh, see what I did there?—but can’t you just turn on the light? I mean, adding a power-sapping display to tell you that you don’t have enough power to run the light seems, well…BLOODY IDIOTIC!

Sadly, these things are probably flying of the shelves as we speak. God help the human race.

Where’s that straight razor?