That didn’t take long. The media has my blood boiling over their coverage of 
the Pope’s abdication and the upcoming conclave. I’m not surprised, but it still rankles. Well, Mother always said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone…”
So instead I’ll rant about Customer Service.
Companies spend fortunes on sophisticated computer systems and training for their customer service representatives, all with the aim of easing the task of helping their customers with a variety of problems.
Here’s a little word of advice: cut it out! I don’t care what company you are, or what you sell, your customer service system is mostly composed of FAIL.
Having worked in IT for many years, I know the horrors of wearing a headset. Later, when I ran my own company, the lessons I learned in the trenches were invaluable in keeping my customers from wanting to kill me. Let me share them with you:
1) Customers don’t give a happy rat’s ass about why your computer is slow, you don’t have the correct information, your system is down for upgrades, Daddy doesn’t love you, or you hate your job. Don’t tell us your problems, offer us solutions to ours. That’s why we called you in the first place! Most sane people would rather give a bubble bath to a hungry Bengal tiger than call you at all, so bear that in mind.
2) You may have a lousy job, but guess what? You’ve got a job, so suck it up and do it. Don’t bring me attitude. I’ve got plenty of my own right this minute. You can drown your sorrows after your shift.
3) LISTEN TO THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH! I know you’re eager to read the little dissertation that someone who doesn’t wear a headset wrote for you, but it never has any bearing on solving my problem. Also, I don’t care! I’m already upset that my widget/toy/service/appliance/marmoset doesn’t work, I don’t care to explain it to you twenty times because you won’t shut up long enough to hear. Why don’t you just cut to the chase and stick red-hot needles in my eyes!
4) To all you Customer Service Managers out there—we’re on to you! We all know you folks are on piecework. “Wrap up the call and close out the ticket!” Well, it may look good on the reports you give your boss, except for the fact that you rarely actually help us. We are not a problem to be dispensed with; we are the reason you have a job in the first place you shmendrik!
5) DO NOT play “Hot Potato” with my call. I already know how little interest you have in helping me, don’t insult me further by tossing me off to another department, where your expensive and sophisticated phone system can drop my call. And if by some miracle someone should pick it up, don’t make me go through the whole damn thing again. It only serves to enrage me. See number 3.
So listen up MonstroCorp: you want to keep me as a customer? Great. Then do this:
When I call with a question or a problem, answer with ONE, competent, polite person who speaks my language, and is empowered to get things done. I don’t care if you remember my name. I don’t care if you ask me about my day. Just fix the problem swiftly and competently. Oh, and pay them well because they have a difficult job dealing with a jerks like me. That’s all you have to do.
“Bitter, party of 1…?”