Humor – Page 21 – Chewing Glass

Was cleaning out the spam trap. You’d be amazed at all the gunk that collects down there–Gives me the willies!

Anyhoo, while poking around, flashlight in one hand and a sharp stick in the other, I came across this:

I do not know what it be, but I do not want to lose you. Because, you treat the people I really ah, is the first time, so caring about. I just want to Hello, my dear friend, and I Can selfish, I do not want a distant blessing for you, I think we have Ke Yi Xiang Yi Qian did, but Huoxu, that it is a luxury.

I think it’s a bad idea to write, even spam, with a Chinese-to-English dictionary.

An Open Letter to the Johnson & Johnson Company

Dear Sirs:

What evil, heartless, mindless, sadistic bastard at your company is responsible for the design of the Band-Aid®? I’m sorry if that was a little harsh. Let me try again. Did it ever occur to you imbeciles, that when you’re bleeding like you just walked off the set of a Quentin Tarantino movie, it’s next to impossible to apply a @#$%& Band-Aid to the wound!

Please understand gentlemen that I do not write to carp and whine, but rather to dialog with you in a spirit of constructive criticism; to provide useful feedback from consumer to manufacturer. Therefore, in that same spirit, let me enumerate all the ways your product sucks: First, we have the design of the miserable, little paper wrapper that only a neurosurgeon with microscopic instruments could successfully open, but only with much difficulty. Someone who, with their one good hand, is grappling with a towel in order to stem the flow of blood on the wounded hand, cannot easily grasp the teeny, tiny little flaps of paper you supply to pull the package apart. I’m sorry, I must apologize again: did I say, “Cannot easily?” I meant, “Can’t at all you stupid jerks!”

Next, we have the waxy, white strips of paper that keep the adhesive from sticking to the paper package. Congratulations gentlemen, this is the one facet of your product that works as designed! The adhesive does not stick to the paper wrapper. It will only stick to itself, or to the finger that isn’t gushing blood, or to the towel, your pant leg, the dog. What it also doesn’t stick to is the wounded finger. Blood completely foils the adhesive properties of this clever product, thereby necessitating another fruitless struggle to open yet another bandage.

Now, if by some miracle you survive the drop in blood pressure long enough to fumble this most basic of ligatures onto your hemorrhaging extremity, you’re then faced with having to apply six or seven more because, lastly, the sterile pad which is supposed to dress the wound is about as absorbent as glass. But this is all nitpicking. At least there will be a bloody pile of ripped and mangled Band-Aid wrappers lying on the floor for you to land on as you collapse in shock from blood loss.

In fairness, I confess that it may be possible that I have not fully divined the nature of your business model. It could be that my comments are way off base. I naturally assumed you were engaged in the manufacture and marketing of health products. It just occurred to me that your plan is really to slowly kill off the majority of mankind by supplying inferior first-aid products thereby leaving the remaining cowed population so addled and debilitated that they actually prefer Splenda® to sugar. Hmmm…in that case, I must say you’re succeeding brilliantly!

The Horror!

Yeah, I’m linking another video. Get over it. In this particularly ghastly piece, we see a popular celebrity–so I’m told–carving up some books to make…a box.

At least the Nazi’s threw ’em on a bonfire. But this isn’t about a hatred of the ideas found in books, this is about the complete and utter apathy toward the ideas found in books.

And before you say it, yes I know, books are just things. You own a book, you can read it, use it to prop up a table leg, make a box, or fry it up with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Whatever you do, remember that book represents someone’s work. Good book, bad book, it doesn’t matter, someone labored over that manuscript to give it what life it has. But it seems that in our day and age, people would rather watch than read. Ideas are too much trouble. They might change me. Best not to care.

I don’t think that bodes well for civilization.

Here’s the link to BuzzFeed

Warning: this video contains disturbing images of vacuous people.

Back to School

When we were kids, most of us used to dread this time of year. I remember well, it was the late summer of ’75. Steve, Cheese, and I were sitting around bemoaning the impending return to school. We had recently seen that summer’s blockbuster, Jaws. I think it was Steve who said, “It’s just like when Quint slips down the deck into the shark’s mouth. School’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it. It just sucks you in and bites you in half!”

Continue reading “Back to School”