Category: Humor

The Green-Eyed Monster

green-eyed-monster
No, not this.

I mean envy, jealousy, feelings of bitterness over something someone else has or does. Being a writer, I fight with this little beast regularly, as in:

“Oh, you just got your book of vampire erotica published? Good for you!”

Followed by a sotto voce, “You miserable, talentless hack!”

And I hate myself for it.

As if that were not bad enough, along with being a writer—perhaps because of it—I’m also a deadbeat, which means I listen to a lot of sports radio throughout a typical day. The only upside to this habit is that it gives me plenty of opportunity to peer beneath the nasty under-beerbelly of the human condition.

Well lemme tell you: ’round these parts, there’s been an explosion of green-eyed monsterism on display lately.

Continue reading “The Green-Eyed Monster”

Showing Up

overcome-writers-blockI’ve been here for hours.
My head feels stuffed like the arms of my chair.
Puffy and tightly bound.

Nothing’s getting in. Nothing’s getting out.
Thinking is an effort.
Hell, everything’s an effort.

Even writing.

I don’t mean building stories out of connected ideas.
Carefully constructing sentences with proper syntax, grammar and spelling,
Or selecting words that best express and enfold layers of meaning.

No, I mean the physical act of writing.

Making the pen form letters,
By moving my hand with some semblance of coordination.
Scribbling something legible, rather than lopsided, blue blobs.

My cat sits at my feet, watching with a puzzled expression.
Does she sense my frustration?
Cats don’t get frustrated so how could she sense it in me?

She meows loudly.
“C’mon!” she cries, “You’re not doing anything productive! Feed me!”

I ignore her, trying to concentrate.
Her meows become increasingly strident,
But I must carry on. I must make the effort.

Who is it that said that eighty percent of life is just showing up?
Well “showing up” is making my head hurt.
It’s hard to breathe.

Owww!

To add injury to her many insults, she just bit me.
All right. Fine. I’ll feed you.
Then at least one of us will be happy.

Never mind writing, showing up is hard!

Same time tomorrow, then?

Is it too late to go to McDonalds?

A little palate-cleanser—ahem—to take our minds off the weightier things in life. Here’s a bunch of kids who have lunch at the swankiest place in New York.

Keep your eye on the blonde boy in the blazer and striped shirt…

I will always be grateful to my dear old dad for making me try things when I was growing up. His rules were simple: Try it. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it. But try it.

h/t Ace

You know what I hate?

My house.
My house.

Stairs.

Oh, I used to like stairs. When I was just a small ball of dough, not the over-risen loaf I am now, my brother and I used to play a favorite game on the stairs.

He’d stand at the top by the kitchen and I’d take the bottom by the rec-room and utility room. I’d run back and forth between them while he tried to pick me off with yarn balls we stole from our mother’s knitting basket.

I would dodge as best I could, then return fire. We’d carry on until Mom yelled at us. Then there ensued a mad scramble for the balls of yarn, which we would then hide in order to launch an ambush later. Well, after Mom cooled down that is.

Continue reading “You know what I hate?”

Who is Vivienne Westwood…

testpattern…and why is trying to sell me a handbag??

Sorry, but I just cleaned out the spamtrap this morning and there were over 1000 messages from this woman! Sheesh.

Anyhoodilly-doodle, you may have noticed that my blogging has been more half-assed than normal lately. If I’m honest, I’ve really have only been using 2.4% of my ass for the last four months, that is, based on the latest figures.

But enough of my ass.

Let me give you an update on A Bronze Wall. There isn’t one. No bites yet. However, I shall endeavor to persevere! In the meantime, I have been working on some short stories, which I intend to share with you here. In serial form.

Any feedback, positive or negative will be appreciated. Really. Even just a e-raspberry would be good. So watch this space!

I now return you to your regularly-scheduled internet browsing.