I missed Festivus, but that’s not going to stop me from getting a few
things off my chest:
- Dear Automakers, put the damn knobs and switches back in your cars. When I’m driving, I can’t tell what pictograph on your super hi-tech, touch-sensitive screen I’m jabbing at and still keep my eyes on the road. I try to turn the defroster on and get Foghat blaring from the stereo instead. People are distracted enough behind the wheel without playing Angry Birds on their nav system.
- Band Aids, don’t get me started…
- People, if you’re gonna walk your dog past my house, would you please clean up after it when it craps in my yard? Sure would make mowing my lawn more pleasant, unless you want to do it for me? Thought so.
- Is there any reason why you restaurants feel the need to serve me a meal for six? I know I’m fat, but I don’t need you enabling me, thank you very much.
- Why don’t they ever have enough receipt tape at the gas pump? You pay outside so you can fill up and go not fill up and go stand in line.
- Hey church-talkers, yeah, you two old guys in the back, take it out in narthex huh? People in the pews might, you know, want to pray instead of listening to the details of your recent hernia operation.
- Listen, it’s not heroic to drag yourself into work when you’re sick. Apart from being a total downer, you’re contaminating everyone else. Really, you’re not that essential to the operation that we can’t do without you for a day or two. Get a clue, m’k?
- And you TV advertisers, as a representative male of the species, I resent that you think all men are stupid, lazy, thoughtless, Neanderthal creeps who care about nothing more in this world than beer and sports and hot women. Would you apply that template to your own fathers? I thought not.
- What’s with all the semi-literate mopes out there who sit around all day in their bathrobes and fuzzy slippers blogging about how everyone else sucks? Man, those people are such losers!
And now, for the Feats of Strength!
