Night of the Felis

I was cleaning under the Internet this morning—Hey, I found 50 cents and a sock!—when I saw this…

House cat in Oregon attacks baby, traps family in bedroom

Intrigued, I clicked the link. Seems this cat, after being kicked around, got a little bent out of shape.

Being a large cat, coupled with its owners being total pusses [see what I did there?], the cat was easily able to stage a coup d etat.

Now anyone who’s ever owned a cat knows that they only condescend to live with you for their own convenience. You never “own” a cat.

You should also understand that the fuzzy lump on the couch is not very far removed from its cousins on the veldt. Your feline-housemate is always doing the math.

“Is he a little fatter? Is she a little slower? I think his eyesight’s going! I can take him! Now!”

If your precious little Snowball gives you a playful nip, it’s not play, she’s tasting you. If you’re not tender enough yet, you get to live another day.

If you piss your cat off, it will attack you.

It is at this point that you should consult a diagram of the food chain. See what’s up at the top? That’s us. Human beings. We were born to kick nature in its furry, scaly, leathery, feathery behind!

If anyone in this Oregon household had half a brain, they would’ve grabbed the vacuum cleaner and voila! Problem solved. Order restored. But no, they’re seeing a psychiatrist now to treat them for PTSD.

Some people should not be allowed to have pets…or children.