Eaten Alive Update

green_anaconda_mouthRegular readers will remember my rant about Discovery Channel’s descent into the sewers of prime-time TV with their 2-hour special, Eaten Alive.

Since I couldn’t bring myself to watch, being otherwise occupied by my nightly lint- gathering forays, I consulted the all-knowing Internet after the fact instead. If you didn’t see it, you didn’t miss anything.

Seems our host, naturalist Paul Rosalie, attired in his specially designed snake-proof suit and reeking of pig blood, did manage to get the giant snake to constrict him. Then he had second thoughts as he started to die.

Predictably, the web blew-up in the aftermath heaping scorn on Discover Channel for ripping them off. Carnival audiences—excuse me—Discovery Channel audiences demand a payoff for a month and a half of hype.

One angry viewer commented on Twitter:

2 hours of my life I can’t get back and Paul didn’t even get eaten alive.

The producers, as well as the host, may rightly be castigated for failing to deliver on the premise of their special. However, one critical member of the cast is being left out of the discussion entirely: the snake.

It took some doing, but I was eventually able to land an exclusive interview with Ms. Ana Conda of Brazil…

CG: Thank you for agreeing to this interview on such short notice, Ms. Conda.

AC: Please, call me Ann.

CG: All right, Ann. Thank you.

AC: No problem. I just ate two capybaras so I’m going to be laying here doing nothing for the next week anyway.

CG: I see, yes. Tell me though, isn’t that really more naturally your diet. I mean, you don’t often eat humans, do you?

AC: Oh, I’ll take one if there’s nothing else. No offense, but you’re all so greasy and tasteless. I much prefer capybaras with a side of monkeys! Yum!

CG: No offense taken. But then why did you agree to do this show in the first place?

AC: Oh, I’ve done these shows before you know. I’ve worked with all the best: David Attenborough—I just love his accent, don’t you?—and Steve Irwin of course, God rest him.

CG: You were eager to do another legitimate documentary?

AC: Yes. I feel a real duty to be an ambassador for the Amazon Rainforest whenever I can. Don’t get me wrong, we have an excellent chamber of commerce but there’s only so much they can do.

CG: Let me move the conversation to the special itself if I may. As you may know, the Internet is boiling with bad reviews of the show, mostly I’m afraid because you failed to eat the host. Any comment on that

AC: First of all, I have no idea what an “internet” is…

CG: Surely you must know about the worldwide network of computers which has revolutionized the sharing and dissemination of information in the twentieth century?

AC: Computers? You know I’m a snake right? I have no hands with which to type.

CG: I am sorry. Forgive me. But there has been quite an outcry. What do you say to the viewers who feel cheated by your failure to devour Mr. Rosalie.

AC: Look, I had never worked with Paul before or the director for that matter, but my agent assured me these people were professionals. I handled all of my scenes in a very professional manner. I can’t help it that Paul got cold-feet.

CG: So you blame your failure to dine on Mr. Rosalie on Mr. Rosalie himself?

AC: I didn’t say that! I only mean to say that when I sign on contract, I come ready to perform. This isn’t my first rodeo, kiddo!

CG: Again, I’m sorry if my questions anger you, but my readers have a right to know your side of the story.

AC: I’m sorry—*urp* A bit of acid reflux there. Makes me kinda testy. Where was I? Oh yeah—Look, I did my part. I can’t help it if we constrictors have to, you know, constrict our prey first. I thought Paul understood the deal. Hey, I trained for six months by swallowing old pickup trucks just to get ready for his little “snake-suit” thingy. The least he could’ve done is hung in long enough for me to get a taste…I mean really!

CG: I see. Well, I guess the next question is whether you’ll be available for a sequel? If the producers approach you that is.

AC: Oh I’m always open to talk. But just now, I have several interesting projects on the horizon.

CG: Any of them look promising? Anything you can share with us?

AC: Well, one is a movie role. It sounds very exciting. I play a mutant snake-shark-ocotpus who travels back in time for some reason.

CG: Hmm, sounds fascinating. Good luck with that.

AC: Thank you! I’m very hopeful for it. We just need to get the script together. The first few drafts were a bit unbelievable if you know what I mean.

CG: Oh I’m sure! Well thank you again Ann. I really appreciate your taking time for our readers.

AC: Think nothing of it. And do watch yourself on the way out; some of those caimans can be real bitches!