My New Sideline

Shhh! Author at work!
Shhh! Author at work!

Being a ne’re-do-well has its disadvantages, if I’m honest. Doomed as we are to live in a world devoid of rainbows and unicorms and government cheese, one is still forced to make a living somehow.

As a result, I have learned many creative ways to get paid for doing nothing. Afterall, I gots to keep myself in scotch and Sterno now that winter’s here!

So one day, while taking a break from collecting lint from my neighbors dryer vents—


[I should explain: I have a deal with a Croatian rug merchant. He pays me a nickle for each 100 lb bag of dryer lint I bring him. He dyes the stuff and weaves it into rugs featuring Elvis or the Last Supper, tasteful, high-class subjects, then sells them from a van on the side of the road. You must have seen his work. Truly breathtaking attention to detail]


I was checking around the intertubes for deals on spam when I ran across The Denim Breaker Club. Eureka! This could be my big break! All I need to do is wear their jeans for six months without washing them, then send ’em back—and get this—they’ll pay me to do it!

No more being bitten by dogs, no more uncomfortable confrontations with the police. I can work from the warmth and safety of my van!

Six months between washes? Hell, I go longer than that between trips to the laundromat already. Besides, think of the money I’ll save! And truth be told, my wardrobe could do with a little freshening.

But the truly great attraction of this scheme is that I can fully utilize the one skill I have honed and perfected over a lifetime of slacking…sitting on my fat ass!

h/t Ace