For the record, I wholeheartedly agree with the good souls at Our Lady of Martyrs…
Category: Humor
Paging Doctor Dolittle!
Oh those crafty Chinese! Not content to steal America piece by piece and then sell it back to us at a profit, now their counterfeiting animals!
This is a lion.
What’s that you say? It’s a dog? No, no, you’re mistaken! Take a closer look.
Whoa! Not too close.
That’s very clearly a vicious lion straight from the vast plains of the Kalahari.
Why, if not for the attentive and highly trained handler keeping the terrible beast at bay, it might, at any minute, run amok, leap over the yellow line painted in front of its enclosure and lick, I mean maul a park visitor to death!
I ask you, where else can you see such a superb specimen of the king of beasts? Now, if you’ll please excuse us, Simba needs to go walkies.
Writing Tips: Creating an Apt Analogy
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
It’s an addiction. I try to look away, but it keeps drawing me back.
Like Quint at the end of Jaws, I slide inexorably down the deck of my sinking, little boat only to be chewed and then drowned in the gaping maw of some gargantuan monster of insanity…
Howz that for some purple prose?
The news is what I mean. I told myself I’d lay off, but I keep seeing stuff like this:
Continue reading “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”
Happy Birthday William Spooner! (belated)
Monday was the birthday of the Reverend William Spooner who would have been 169.
Why should you care?
Because the good Rev is the father of the term Spoonerisms, the accidental rearranging of word sounds resulting in unintentionally funny phrases.
A professor at Oxford, Spooner was notoriously absent-minded. A story is told of Spooner inviting a man to tea, “to welcome our new archaeology Fellow.”
Puzzled, the man replied, “But, sir, I am our new archaeology Fellow.”
“Never mind,” Spooner said, “Come all the same.”
My very favorite example of his malaprops:
For now we see through a dark, glassly…
Very glassly indeed!
h/t S.Weasel
An Ounce of Prevention…
Here’s the scenario:
You’re an itinerant magician, trying to make a buck in this narcoleptic economy. You roam from place to place doing tricks, creating illusions, pulling the odd rabbit out of a hat, in the desperate hope you’ll put a smile on someone’s face and a few shekels in your pocket. Then, suddenly, catastrophe falls upon you.
An killer tornado—with sharks in it—bears down on the town where your performing. Simultaneously, a giant electromagnetic pulse is released from a nearby exploding star, all while a hitherto undiscovered pocket of white-hot “magma” churns beneath you in a hitherto undiscovered geologic fault, ready to blow you sky-high at any moment.
What will you do to save the rabbit?
Hey, it could happen. At least the government wants you to be prepared. That’s a good thing right?
As a taxpayer and an animal lover from way back, my only reaction is a double-facepalm with half-gainer.
Did I mention that the world is completely unhinged? Did I mentioned that our government is run by imbecilic Vogons?
Where are my pills?
Happy Kwik-E-Mart Day!
Okay, not Kwik-E-Mart, but that other convenience store, you know, the one that sells Squishees.
What? That’s still the Kwik-E-Mart? All right, then whaddaya call those slushy, fruity drinks that come in big cups that you’re supposed to gulp down on a hot day?
Whatevs. I ain’t collecting any ad money from ’em anyway.
So, been to the movies lately?
Seems all the big, blockbuster summer films have been big, blockbusting summer flops. Well, if you’re a fan of the cinematic arts like I am, don’t despair. Tonight on SyFy is an epic movie event, the likes of which has never been seen or even imagined by the film-going public! A production so vast in scope, so daring in its execution that it cannot, neigh, must not be missed…
Continue reading “Happy Kwik-E-Mart Day!”
Word of the Day
per·e·gri·na·tion
[ pèrr?gri náysh’n ]
- journey: a journey or voyage
I must apologize to both of you loyal readers for my blog absence of late, but I’ve been peregrinating.
Where?
Thanks for asking. Among my many travels along the beautiful I-94 corridor, my course has taken me further and further from any type of media, including the internet, texts, emails, Farcebook, Lookitmei’mLinkedIn, Pintwhocares, Instagrams, Skype, carrier pigeons, smoke signals, sky-writers, or Navaho code-talkers.
Why?
Because the incessant, relentless connectedness which these mediums afford, only serve to broadcast the demise of civilization, which, you know, is such a downer. The current poster child of which is this woman: Naveena Shine.
Yup. Naveena. Shine. Ms. Shine is a “Breatharian.”
Uh huh. I see. I’m sure there’s a LinkedIn group for that if you’re interested, and if you spend all your waking hours updating LinkedIn, then you probably are.
Well…that’s just a bit more than I can take. I’m just going to go over here and sit in a corner until this all clears itself up m’kay? I may sing quietly to myself if you don’t mind.
Continue reading “Word of the Day”