Category: Uncategorized

Airing of Grievances

I missed Festivus, but that’s not going to stop me from getting a fewfestivus pole things off my chest:

  • Dear Automakers, put the damn knobs and switches back in your cars. When I’m driving, I can’t tell what pictograph on your super hi-tech, touch-sensitive screen I’m jabbing at and still keep my eyes on the road. I try to turn the defroster on and get Foghat blaring from the stereo instead. People are distracted enough behind the wheel without playing Angry Birds on their nav system.
  • Band Aids, don’t get me started…
  • People, if you’re gonna walk your dog past my house, would you please clean up after it when it craps in my yard? Sure would make mowing my lawn more pleasant, unless you want to do it for me? Thought so.
  • Is there any reason why you restaurants feel the need to serve me a meal for six? I know I’m fat, but I don’t need you enabling me, thank you very much.
  • Why don’t they ever have enough receipt tape at the gas pump? You pay outside so you can fill up and go not fill up and go stand in line.
  • Hey church-talkers, yeah, you two old guys in the back, take it out in narthex huh? People in the pews might, you know, want to pray instead of listening to the details of your recent hernia operation.
  • Listen, it’s not heroic to drag yourself into work when you’re sick. Apart from being a total downer, you’re contaminating everyone else. Really, you’re not that essential to the operation that we can’t do without you for a day or two. Get a clue, m’k?
  • And you TV advertisers, as a representative male of the species, I resent that you think all men are stupid, lazy, thoughtless, Neanderthal creeps who care about nothing more in this world than beer and sports and hot women. Would you apply that template to your own fathers? I thought not.
  • What’s with all the semi-literate mopes out there who sit around all day in their bathrobes and fuzzy slippers blogging about how everyone else sucks? Man, those people are such losers!

And now, for the Feats of Strength!

Crass Commercial Announcement

‘Tis the season, as they say. For those of you who, like me, are scared to death of stores this time of year, and prefer to shop online, please consider doing it through the Chewing Glass General Store huh? It’s conveniently located at the top right of the page over there, and is open 24-7.

Your patronage will keep this starving author from shivering in the cold, in a van, down by the river. M’k? Thanks!

Aw, for Cryin’ Out Loud!

Another noted American dictator

Seems that some fat-headed, meatball, football fans in Texas are sick of the Cowboys losing, so they’ve started a petition to get the executive branch of the federal government to step in and remove Jerry Jones, the Cowboys owner, president, general manager, and night janitor.

I almost don’t know where to begin. There’s the basic lunacy of the idea, there’s the unhinged, sports fan angle, there’s the obvious, willful ignorance of how our republican form of democracy works, there’s the whole property rights issue I could address—can you say Lenin?—but I think this quote from the petition says it all:

We, the Citizens of the Great State of Texas, and Dallas Cowboys fans worldwide, have been oppressed by an over-controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator for way too long.

Hmmm…then they go on to request the removal of Jerry Jones because:

His incompetence and ego have not only been an extreme disappointment for way too long, but moreover, it has caused extreme mental and emotional duress.

Of course, this is probably a joke. So far, about 500 people have signed the petition. But with a tiny alteration, say substituting Jerry Jones’ name for the name of the guy the petition is addressed to, I’d sign it!