Author: Rob

O Man, Thy Name is Wuss

clintGot a minute? Take a little test:

1. Can you change a tire?

2. Can you sew?

3. Can you unclog a drain?

4. Can you cook?

5. Can you make fire?

6. Can you disassemble major household appliances AND successfully put them back together WITH extra parts left over (this is known as improving the design)?

7. Can you find your way without asking for help?

8. Are you going a little thin up top?

9. Do you need to shave every day?

If you answered yes to all these questions, you might be a man. There is one more diagnostic test that may be needed to determine that fact with certainty.

However, if this describes you in any way, don’t bother!

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Disorder du Jour

rotten cardsYou don’t know me but I’m one of millions who suffer from a chronic disorder called I.A.D.

We are all around you: we’re your friends, co-workers, neighbors, the kid who makes your latte in the morning. Until now, we’ve mostly kept in the shadows, especially when our symptoms flare up.

In some people I.A.D. is very obvious, while for others, it lies dormant waiting for the proper conditions to take over a individual’s system. Unfortunately, once it does, it can flare up more easily, especially during times of stress.

I.A.D. is unsightly, embarrassing, and for those with advanced forms of the disorder, uncontrollable.

But now, thanks to new research, I.A.D. sufferers can come out of the shadows! We are free to lead normal lives once again because, while there is no known cure as yet, research shows that the entire population of the world actually has the same disorder! While tragic, this is also very comforting!

To check your levels of I.A.D., take this simple diagnostic test:

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Hoo Haa Hee

krusty the clownOh noes! Sad news today from the world of comedy and frightening people.

Sources report a disturbing shortage of clowns. Membership in the World Clown Association [ahem] has dropped by almost a third since 2004.

[ I would find the proliferation of clowns more disturbing.]

Clowns of America International [ahem again] President Glen Kohlberger explains that the main problem is that all the old clowns are dying, while world-clowning overall is falling below replacement levels.

WCA President Deana Hartimer added that:

The challenge is getting younger people involved in clowning.

According to Kohlberger:

What happens is they go on to high school and college and clowning isn’t cool anymore. Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.

OMG. When was clowning cool? Did I miss something? I may be ignorant, but the only famous clowns I can think of are John Wayne Gacy, Pennywise, Krusty, and whoever is governor of Illinois.

But that still doesn’t explain the shortage. All you have to do is drive on the tollway or ride the CTA and you can find all the clowns you need.

In other news, Ralph the Handyman—I’m sorry, that’s so heteronormative and phallocentric of me—HandyPerson is dead at 89.