Category: Rants

Who is Vivienne Westwood…

testpattern…and why is trying to sell me a handbag??

Sorry, but I just cleaned out the spamtrap this morning and there were over 1000 messages from this woman! Sheesh.

Anyhoodilly-doodle, you may have noticed that my blogging has been more half-assed than normal lately. If I’m honest, I’ve really have only been using 2.4% of my ass for the last four months, that is, based on the latest figures.

But enough of my ass.

Let me give you an update on A Bronze Wall. There isn’t one. No bites yet. However, I shall endeavor to persevere! In the meantime, I have been working on some short stories, which I intend to share with you here. In serial form.

Any feedback, positive or negative will be appreciated. Really. Even just a e-raspberry would be good. So watch this space!

I now return you to your regularly-scheduled internet browsing.

Deadbeat Author Awareness Month

cancer-awareness-ribbonsWhile sitting in my favorite public house over a pint and the Daily Herald, I overheard the noisy, excited discussion of some women who were planning to shave their heads.

Now that’s not a sentence you read every day.

You see, it appears they were planning a “Half-way to St. Patrick’s Day” party in support of St Baldrick’s Foundation. At said party, they were determined to shave their heads in solidarity with children suffering from the ravages of cancer.

One woman loudly proclaimed for all and sundry to hear, “I’ll shave my head anywhere, any time, if it helps one child with cancer!”

Well, that got me thinking.

Continue reading “Deadbeat Author Awareness Month”

This Week in Sprots

sprotsThe less said about B1G football the better.

The less said about Chicago baseball the better.

So let’s turn our attention to the NFL, shall we?

NFL Commissioner Roger “Don Fanucci” Goodell is a hypocritical jerkass intent on strangling the goose that laid the golden egg. Way to go Rog.

Say, maybe Buffalo is better than we thought, huh?

Dear Mr. Head of NFL Officiating, Calvin Johnson caught that ball for a TD. Get a TV for cryin’ out loud!

Since we’re on the subject of the Loins: Let me quote Morgan Freeman in the movie Glory, “When? When O’ Lord is gonna be our time?”

Okay Bears fans, fess up now, how many of you yawned and turned the TV off at half time? Bear Down!

Is Drew Brees suffering from sleep-deprivation because of his new baby? Is he too tired to play football? For $10 million even I could complete one pass to my own team! Geez. Take a nap Drew!

Hats off to Drew Stanton for his journeyman performance for Arizona in relief of Carson Palmer. Eat ’em up!

Brian Hoyer leads the Browns to victory, despite having “Johnny Football” nipping at his ankles for the last four months. Eat ’em up!

And last, but not least, Kirk Cousins was a stud in relief of RGIII in Washington’s win! The fact that the Jaguars’ QB is from that little school in SE Michigan is just gravy. Rah, Rah, Rah!

But more important than their play on the field is the way they handle themselves off it. Humble, grateful, gracious, and sharp. SpartanNation is proud of all three of you!

And speaking of which…Hey Don Fanuch! There are lots of young men in the league who aren’t murdering, dope-smoking, wife-beating, child-abusing, dog-fighting, philandering, gun-toting thugs. They are smart, articulate, hard-working pros, who take care of their families and give back to their communities.

Why don’t you let them be the face of the NFL? Please. Or pretty soon, all we’ll have left is cricket and kickball.

<shudder>

Continue reading “This Week in Sprots”

Can I Get a Side of Fries with that?

WARNING: Rob’s got his napalm out again. Reading this post may cause you to send hate-mail. Please read with care.

flamethrower_straightThe US Postmaster recently admitted that the single largest customer of the US Mail is, not you and me dear tax-paying citizen, but the bulk-mail industry. If not for the incessant stream of marketing mailers, catalogs, coupons, offers to sell your house, replace your windows, whiten your teeth, and now that the season is upon us, heaven help us, pleas for money and/or votes to send the next bunch of criminals to state and federal legislatures, the US Post would be kaput.

It’s because of bulk mail that I finally started recycling. From the mailbox directly to the blue bin. Very handy. Very wasteful.

But that’s not why you called.

Continue reading “Can I Get a Side of Fries with that?”

By the Way…

Activate photon torpedoes!
Activate photon torpedoes!

To the dear lady in the black Cadillac yesterday, and truly, to all her kindred spirits, that stalk on the side of your steering column activates a device called a TURN SIGNAL.

It is not, as you seem to think dear lady, a retro-rocket turning aid to help you around the corner.

It’s intended use is to SIGNAL others that you are going to make a TURN up AHEAD. Activating this device while you are already turning would make sense were it a retro-rocket turning aid, but as it is meant to keep you and the thousands of people you share the road with SAFE, it really works best if you use it well in advance of the turn. I believe 100 feet is the minimum.

We can all pretty much figure out that you intend to turn after we watch you do it. So, dear lady, for the sake of your fellow humans with whom you share the roadway, kindly pull your head out of your [CENSORED]!

Continue reading “By the Way…”

Duh.

Author at work.
Author at work.

It seems not a day goes by when the media fails to trot out another ground-breaking study to confirm what any semi-sentient being already knows. I’m spoiled for choice in picking which to highlight, but this got my attention for many reasons.

There was a time, lonnngggg ago, when I was pretty fit. I have pictures to prove it. But now, unlike the guys in the Cialas ads, I am not an impossibly svelte 50-something, with full head of hair, and perfect teeth. To be honest, I have gone gently seedy.

So when someone talks about possible cure-alls for being a little, shall we say, fluffy, I grab my pryin’ bar, lever myself to an upright position, and pay attention. However, after about a nano-second of thought, my hope turned to month-old pickle brine.

Well duh!

So let’s break it down. Your fat is there a) to keep you from dying from lack of food—for awhile, b) to act as a cushion when you fall on your ass, and c) to keep you WARM.

The practical upshot of this article is that if you move to Chicago, live in a van down by the river all winter, with nothing much to eat, you’ll lose weight.

Their follow-up study discusses rapid weight loss accompanying the onset of death.

Because We Can

soopergeniusI’ve written before about ridiculous technology, but I can’t pass up this opportunity to yell at the clouds once more.

Y’all have no doubt heard about the concept of an “internet of all things.” I’m not talking about the quantum-mechanical, interconnectedness-of-all-things that physicists go on about, but rather the push by various industries to make products that communicate with one another.

To that end we already have cars, refrigerators, phones, houses, cutlery, toothbrushes, beer mugs, toilets, and probably even candles, that have embedded microchips controlling the collection and dissemination of data via wi-fi/RFC. Some of these are truly handy, others less so.

Well, now you can add doormats to the list.

Continue reading “Because We Can”