Humor – Page 3 – Chewing Glass

Eaten Alive Update

Regular readers will remember my rant about Discovery Channel’s descent into the sewers of prime-time TV with their 2-hour special, Eaten Alive.

Since I couldn’t bring myself to watch, being otherwise occupied by my nightly lint- gathering forays, I consulted the all-knowing Internet after the fact instead. If you didn’t see it, you didn’t miss anything.

Seems our host, naturalist Paul Rosalie, attired in his specially designed snake-proof suit and reeking of pig blood, did manage to get the giant snake to constrict him. Then he had second thoughts as he started to die.

Predictably, the web blew-up in the aftermath heaping scorn on Discover Channel for ripping them off. Carnival audiences—excuse me—Discovery Channel audiences demand a payoff for a month and a half of hype.

One angry viewer commented on Twitter:

2 hours of my life I can’t get back and Paul didn’t even get eaten alive.

The producers, as well as the host, may rightly be castigated for failing to deliver on the premise of their special. However, one critical member of the cast is being left out of the discussion entirely: the snake.

It took some doing, but I was eventually able to land an exclusive interview with Ms. Ana Conda of Brazil… Continue reading “Eaten Alive Update”

My New Sideline

Being a ne’re-do-well has its disadvantages, if I’m honest. Doomed as we are to live in a world devoid of rainbows and unicorms and government cheese, one is still forced to make a living somehow.

As a result, I have learned many creative ways to get paid for doing nothing. Afterall, I gots to keep myself in scotch and Sterno now that winter’s here!

So one day, while taking a break from collecting lint from my neighbors dryer vents—

Continue reading “My New Sideline”

But Seriously…

I tell ya I don’t get no esteem, no esteem at all.

I submitted my new book to an agent. After three weeks he calls me back to tell me he can’t sell it.

I ask, “Why?” and he says, “Nobody wants a book from a drinker with a writing problem.”

[ba-dum-dum]

I tell ya it’s rough. I went to the doctor yesterday for tests. Today he calls me and says, “Rob, I’ve got bad news: we found traces of blood in your alcohol system.”

It’s okay though, cuz my best friend told me that when I die, there’ll be at least 1000 people at my funeral. I said, “Well, that’s a comfort at least.”

He said, “Yeah, they’ll come to make sure your dead!”

Thank you, thank you. You’ve all been swell: both of you.

Hey I’m here all week. Try the veal and don’t forget to tip your waitress!

Listen you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. Drive carefully and Go Lions!

[Special thanks to my joke-writer, Big Doug]

Gobble, Gobble

Seems like I was just mowing the lawn and then bang! Here we are with snow on the ground and the first of two great holidays approaching. A time for all Americans to stop their labor, reflect, and shop.

I’m old enough to remember when Thanksgiving used to be, ya know, a holiday. People got the day off from work, maybe the next day too, and gathered with friends and family to celebrate the many blessings God showers on us all.

Now, all we hear is Black Friday this and Black Monday that. Normally sane-looking people camp in front of stores overnight to get the best deal on the latest crappy, must-have Christmas gift. I guess it’s really worse now, as some retail outlets are staying open 24 hours to accommodate the madness. I feel sorry for the people who have to work in those stores, separated as they are from the joys of home and family that others take for granted on this day.

Look, I’m as big a fan of free-market capitalism as you’re likely to find, but there’s no denying the inherent motive of greed and acquisitiveness at work underneath it all, which if unchecked by some sort of corresponding altruism and decency, coarsens and degrades our society.

I’m sure you know that the word “holiday” is a verbal corruption of holy day. “Holy” means sacred or set apart. Granted, Thanksgiving is a secular holy day, but that does not detract from the sacredness of its intent: to give thanks to God for all that we have, especially our lives. When we fail to set apart days for reflection and celebration, or make the ones we do observe just like the other 364, we ultimately lose some of our humanity.

So if you find yourself in a store on Thursday or Friday, give a thought to the people working there. Wish them happiness before you leave, and when you sit down to carve your bird, thank God for all that you have because we all have so much more than we deserve.

I am thankful for every one of you who faithfully stop by to read my dribblings!

God bless you and yours this holiday season!

Shake It Off

Taylor Swift is a charming young lady, but if I hear this damn song once more, I’m going to tear the ears off seventeen bunnies and use them as tinder to burn down her house…

Ok, not really, but c’mon.

This female news anchor clearly feels the same way. Either that, or she can’t stand her partner. You be the judge:

Why is it so hard to get rid of an earworm?

Continue reading “Shake It Off”

Further Evidence

…that civilization is DOOMED:

First Nik Wallenda and now this mope. When did the Discovery Channel decide it was better to be a 24×7 carnival freak show instead of offering interesting science documentaries?

Hell, people don’t want to learn anything anymore, they just want to watch colossal train wrecks and gawk at the carnage.

I’m sorry. I’m just bitter that Discovery turned down my proposal for Man vs. Bacon, wherein I eat a metric ton of fried bacon while dangling from a wire suspended from the roof of the Meat Packers Hall in Orland Park.

Maybe I can interest them in Human Frogger! See, I dress up in a green suit and dash across the Stevenson Expressway during rush hour. Granted, given my physical condition it’s probably a pretty short show, but hey, there’s bound to be lots of blood and stuff.

No? Well, at least I’m in there pitching!

Boo

Seems like Chicago—hell, the whole state of Illinois—is a gathering place for all the world’s nutjobs. This Sunday, Nick Wallenda of the famous family of “daredevils,” will walk a tightrope strung between the Marina Towers on the Chicago River.

Anyone who’s ever walked downtown this time of year knows how hard the wind blows off the lake. Let’s hope that one man’s lack of good judgement and common sense doesn’t end in some terrible horror show on the Sunday night news.

Anyhoo, being October 31st, I offer you some musical selections to get you through all those Kit-Kat bars you’ll be scarfing in between trick-or-treaters. C’mon, admit it: you eat more candy than the kids!

Continue reading “Boo”

Uh oh…

So I finish my egg drop soup and reach for the non-fortune, fortune cookie they always give you to see what inane drivel it contains.

I crack it open and…nothing.

What does this mean? Should I be worried?

Given the time of year, I was immediately reminded of poor Charlie Brown trick-or-treating with the gang and then comparing the “take” afterward.

At least he got a rock!